The Inner TWO

For a while, I've been wanting to write about this....but never really had the guts to do it. Well tonight maybe I had too much spinach or something, but here it is:

Since this is the Diaspora life page, this is something that diasporan Armenians (almost everywhere) probably deal with. Being born in California, I am technically (and actually) an American Citizen. I did watch "Sesame Street" and sang with Big Bird, I did watch Zack and his buddies on "Saved By the Bell", and I was hooked on "All My Children" for years!!! Today, I do listen to American music (among other things), and I do buy my clothes from the local mall. So as you see, I'm no different than Jane Smith who was born in California too.

But am I?

Of course I am!!! Added to the above mentioned, I did attend an Armenian school from Pre-K to 8th grade. I did sing Armenian songs, listen to Harout Pamboukjian, and I did watch Armenian Teletime every Saturday and Sunday (that's all there was then). Ya, I did my math homework, science homework, and social studies homework...but I also did my Armenian history and grammar homework too. Was I, Shooshig, the same person doing all these things? Yup! Did I do them seperately, knowing one was English and had its place, and one was Armenian with its own place? I guess.

But now the next question is... What about today?? What do the combination of those 2 seperate lives..the 2 entirely different set of influences make up? (obviously they make up who I am...) but who isssssssss that? Shooshig the Amerigatsi with the funny name? or Shooshig the Armenian who thinks like an American? I've talked about this a little before when I introduced the idea of "Nepantla" of the Aztecs..... (reminder: "nepantla" means the state of being in-between). So, does the Shooshig who is in this Nepantla have double personality issues? MAYBE! Or could it be that I am still waiting for these 2 "selves" to fuse and become ME? MAYBE! Whatever the case may be, it sure makes life a whole lot more difficult! Just imagine having 2 ENTIRELY different opinions about a particular thing.... and not knowing which one is the one you sympathize with more.... (BTW - if there are any psychologists or psychiatrists out there who think I have a serious problem... lol can ya let me know?) hehhee :)

And to everyone else out there who might in the SLIGHTEST way know what I'm talking about...just know that you are not alone. Maybe I'm the risky one who puts this stuff on an internet log that any "randomite" may read, but since it's my own experiences and feelings, well...simply.... I choose to share them regardlessm of what others may think or do. (and I wish every Armenian in the world did that, cause then maybe we'd understand each other a whole lot better and maybe for a good 3 seconds we could for a change UNITE and actually accomplish something)..... Cause look, the issue that I just talked about will be resolved when the 2 selves finally one day unite with one another....simple as that. (so i guess i'm waiting...and at the same time, expanding my knowledge and thoughts of the world around me and far abroad).

All throughout my life I was treated as an Armenian (a non-American or actually a "different" American). I was taught that Armenia was my homeland, even though I had never been there, neither had my parents for that matter. Then in 1997 I DID go there! Here is Shooshig thinking she is going "home", where she will finally fit in!!! Ummmmm...DZZZZZZZZZZ THINK AGAIN smartypants! Turns out, I didn't really fit-in there either. So wait a sec, then..... where DOOO I fit in? Not here, not there.... Ok, so this is where the cheesy quote "Home Is Where the Heart Is" comes in. I was reading a book and it just dawned on me.. YESSSSSSS home IS where the heart is! So where is YOUR heart???

I hope that's food for thought for some people.... now I'm exhausted.... haha :)
TSUH!

ShooshigAvakian@hotmail.com